today ma birthday bitchesssss :DD got to school at 8 in the morning to chug a bottle of wine with my friends. i love these skanks ♡ 6 joints, 1 bottle of wine and many gift drawings later here am i, wanting to bake my cake but with no ingredients D: 

i am wired wrong

since the year begun, i have been single. in fact, i have been single all my life. let me tell you something: being single doesn’t hurt me when i’m alone. i’m by myself and it’s all good. i enjoy being alone even. it feels so fucking great, to just be in your own world, playing whatever part you’re playing in your head, inventing sceneries and landscapes and stories.  being alone doesn’t hurt me when i’m by myself. but since the year began, i’ve made a friend who’s very pretty. i’m obviously jealous of her, as pointless and mean as that may sound. i don’t mean that she doesn’t deserve what she has - what i mean is that i’d like to have it too. she can have good things and i would also like to have a good things. but i don’t. she was, apparently, in an abusive relationship, but she still had someone. she has friends. it doesn’t hurt her when she’s alone in a crowd of couples and groups of friends because she has it all. during the course of the school year, i have been single. she eventually broke up with her boyfriend. and it’s been for hectic months since that. i’ve tried to help her as i could - mostly, by not spilling my feelings out to her. it’s ok. i have to hold on. it’s ok if i don’t have anyone. i have to pretend i have them, and they will eventually convince themselves they like me. it’s part of life and i have to get myself through this, just like i have carried myself through all my heartaches before. but this was too much. i have liked a boy since the beginning of the year, but i have never told him, even though i think he has a faint idea that i like him. whatever, it’s not gonna happen, and i don’t tell myself this - other people do. “get over it.” “you don’t really like him”. “he’s not made for you”. “you don’t even know him.” “you just have this idea that you love him, when in fact you love the idea of him. that’s not love” from these words, i can only conclude that i am indeed wired wrong, much to my dismay. i was always hoping that i would be the good one in a bad relationship - that if i left, i would be able to find another one and be happy. but i’m the bad part. i’m the rotting part in every relationship i envision or play out (friendships, of course). the good part always leaves me, and for some time i was actually convinced i was the good part and i left because i wanted to - but i never left. i was always left. 

it shouldn’t hurt. it’s ridiculous. because i am the bad person psychologists and counselors write about on articles titled “how to get out of a bad relationship”. i’m not the one for anyone. I have realized this with time. 

in the mean time, after 4 months of fighting through whatever she was fighting through, my friend kinda got over it. she met a boy - and two weeks in, they are dating. they spend all their time together, she’s as happy as can be and i bet he is as well. i just wonder, why don’t things work out for me like they do for her? i’ll never get anything more than one night stands (if i can get that). i will be a whore when i grow up, i know it because i need love. and even if isn’t love i get, it’s a love-shaped empty packet. that should be enough. i was born this way. i am wired wrong. i still like this boy, but he’s gay, so there’s really nothing left for me to do. i also like my best friend, and my teacher (sometimes). i use a crush to get over the other, convincing myself that if one doesn’t work out, the next one will - because that’s what sane, normal people do, right?

i’m tired of giving a try at everything and failing. i’m tired of trying to love and not being loved ever by no one ever, because i am wired wrong. i am. i firmly believe in this. it’s the only thing keeping me sane now, because if i’m not good, then i have to be bad. and i am bad. and i can’t come to terms with it.